FRI 20th NOV

Good day!

Today I woke up too early.too early.
THEN I HAD SEX WITH A GAY PARTRIDGE!!!

Got your attention didn't it?....to be honest its all I could think of, because as I have come to realise, although my words are creamy and exotic, like a sexy lingual daiquiri, the stories they tell are not. Those stories are like rye bread and Bovril; dull, brown,barely palatable and sometimes cause an unintentional laxative effect.
I make people soil themselves with tedium.
I realised, people don't want to read my boring, everyday dribble. Not because people don't want to read boring, everyday dribble,as millions of people clearly do (hello quirky slur at the tabloids, har har) but because I'm not famous yet (durrrrrrr)
Famous people write absolute duffel bags full of wank and toss and the common man guzzles it greedily, pulling his trousers down and simpering for more.
So instead of accepting the inevitable, that essentially I'm about as readable as an instruction manual for the assembly of a pine wardrobe, written in Mandarin, by a simpleton experimenting with his own version of BRAILLE, I plan to cunningly deceive the reader into believing its a tour de force simply by 'bein' one of dem offa da telly.'
Soooo whats the plan?
The truth?
I don't have one, but I'm sure , as I ever have been that I deserve to be a world icon and one day the right person will meet me, preferably with a cigar in one hand a glass of brandy in the other and say, whilst brushing off his smoking jacket, in a 1940's faux Brooklyn accent:
"DARLIN' IM GONNA MAKE YOU A STAR"...then everyone will break into song and dance. Just like the good old days, when if you didn't have a notable talent you just had to sleep with a man, with a megaphone who had his name on a chair, instead of letting ITV film you rehearsing for Karaoke or wanking off a pig .
But until that day, whats an undiscovered genius to do to get herself some much needed attention?
Well its very simple, there is only one other thing people like reading about
THEMSELVES

::::::

Katie Taylor:
She is, contrary to most peoples belief: still alive and well, having not been raped by paupers in Hull.
She likes writing too, except shes good at it and people read her stuff and it all gud an spelt rite and gramma is done gud.

The things I like about Katie are:

• She can play obscenity scrabble like no earthly being, Ive encountered before. She invented the word rejmeft. It is old English for 'lardy remnants'
• When we go disco dancing the matrix of our false reality topples and is swept away, leaving only the haunting echo of a synthesizer and the violent abstract jerking motions of two sentients oblivious to the existence of other life.
• She will ALWAYS let me throw up in her bin.

The things I don't like about Katie are:

• She jumps on bandwagon after bandwagon after bandwagon "get off the' telling me to get off a bandwagon' bandwagon.
• I heard shes got scrofula
• She understands me and can blatantly see through me like a cheap greasy shower curtain.Stop giving me helpful advice you 'scroffy slag'.

Allegedly, Katie was found, round the back of the bins outside Waitrose and was kindly taken in by a gin merchant and part time property developer from Harrogate.

Its said, that she grew tired of the emptiness of wealth and soothed her existential woes by drinking her adopted parents speciality gins. After a particularly sharp bottle of London dry, Katie left her life behind one day and went in search of the humble origins that spurned her.

She didn't want to have to build a school in Africa.nobody should have to do that.

To this day she still hides her enormous wealth, by living in various rented accommodations in Yorkshire,deceiving friends who visit, by locking her butler in the airing cupboard and proclaiming "I'd offer you a brew, but theres nowt in".

She'd have got away with it and all, but I'm sorry, anyone who throws a party for the royal wedding is definitely a part-time property developer from Harrogate

I bet her real names Felicity, the fucking Ra.

So there we have it. If you want me to write a half bullet pointed summary of your strengths and weaknesses, followed by a completely fabricated biography of you, please do leave me some brief details below.

Thankyou and goodnight.

xxx