Thursday 9 December 2010

THURS 9TH DEC 2010

Watcha!


Ive been away a long time haven't I?
yeah yeah been busy etc...
WRONG

Unless busy, is of course wasting your spare time drinking cheap cider,taking low quality class A's whenever ANYBODY offers them to you,pondering the festering refuse of your life and getting off with chavs (not the last bit)(alright yeah maybe I did..WHO ARE YOU MY PARENTS?)

As you can see, I have been regressing somewhat recently, to that oh so familiar yet dread inducing festival of shame, known as adolescence.
I dunno why...

ALRIGHT I DO, JUST SHUT UP YEAH GOD!!

Real life, I mean real grown up, got to wear a suit and be nice to the elderly life, is rubbish. Why the hell does anybody bother?

"Make sure you pay all your bills"

fuck off

"You used to have such lovely legs"

nice one, you didn't.

"when are you going to find a boyfriend?"

when your dead,so I can bring him round and he wont have to meet you...

and my least favorite....

"When are you going to get a real job?"

DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU MASSIVE ARSECANDLE!!!!!

Being in your (god, I am actually saying this) mid-twenties,for me at least and I suspect most others is such a destitute landslide of monotony,such a dark,chest stabbing anti-climax such a MASSIVE neon revulsion of human rights I feel like I should be in a cell somewhere in China, wondering who's going to collect my Nobel prize for me.
its just not fair.Nobody said it was going to be like this.

When I was a child these were the three things I wanted to be when I grew up

Archaeologist:
I'd seen Jurassic Park, I wanted in on the action.

Astronomer:
The stars, no more beautiful a landscape could you spend your life gazing at

Actor:
it only took me 22 years to realise its for gays.


These are the three things I want to be now:













you see that?
A massive blank space.
Nothing.

You know why? because every last dribble of aspiration and positive thought, every little spark of ambition,hope and destination has been torched away by the baron,arid reality of 'making do'

Who's idea was growing up?
probably a Tory.

So whaderya do when you've all but given up,when you can barely be arsed to do the things you enjoy? (excuse for not keeping the blog up)
well you look for inspiration obvs!!
Trouble is, as Ive been looking around, reading various books,watching programmes looking for characters to assimilate with the only one that's struck a chord,sadly Is Dan Clarke's quietly brilliant Don Danbury, from How Not To Live Your Life
A twenty something no-hoper, who's terrible with the opposite sex,has despised and been sacked from nearly every job he's had,relies on people to do nearly everything for him,cant pay bills,cant cook,clean or organize anything and spends most of his life,wondering where it all went wrong,why ninety percent of his life is spent in a pink dressing gown and constantly lusts over people he will never get.
This to me is so horrifyingly recognizable I feel a little bit sick.Its certainly scuppered my chances of writing a quirky sitcom about my failed life.

I think, Dan, if your reading this, which you wont be,because I am a nobody who has done literally nothing with her life,but if, just if... I place my future in your hands.
Its only fair, that in the next and final episode Don,has a mind altering supernova of clarity and finds out exactly what it is he wants to do and through a series of easy to follow steps he achieves a career of both wealth and satisfaction. Oh and gets that girl hes always secretly loved,because lets face it,although his teeth are a bit squint and hes not the brightest tool in the box,hes always deserved her over that pompous fool.

Ahem *looks around*

So erm yeah, aside from regressing and living my life out through characters,scarily of the opposite sex,on the television....I'd say I'm doing alright??

Oh god
I'm going to have to be a teacher arnt I?

somebody call Dignitas.
xxx





Sunday 21 November 2010

SUN 20th NOV 2010

Hello you horrible bunch of ingrate uglies!

God I'm funny sometimes.


Soooo what have I been up to, I hear you all plead?
Been away doing all manner of exciting things actually, you know learning magic spells,driving flying cars,fighting evil wizards,whilst all the time trying to lead a normal school life and making heartwarming bonds with my cute teen friends.
OK, I haven't, that's Harry Potter.

BUT Ive decided today's blog is gonna be all art nouveu and shit, gonna shake it right up, make you all stop and listen for a minute people. I HAVE A MESSAGE Y'ALL!

so the plan is, to hide my laziness and lack of inspiration, today's broadcast will be in the style of a Myspace note yeah? in your face retro and all that. WOW shes so edgy.

Don't look at me like that, your all my friends and if you fancy me as much as you all claim to you'd fucking love to know what I had for breakfast or who my last phone call was from.
If Matt Cardle did this, you'd all be loosening your corsets and fanning yourself furiously.

Matt, what colour was your last stool?
"a light beige actually, I think its all the stress, from having to sing karaoke every week, its done my guts a nasty"

*swoooooon dreamy*

Fuck it, just imagine I'm on the back page of 'Bum It!' magazine or whatever its called, doing one of them '5minutes with...'

1. Last beverage:
Yorkshire Tea, of course

2. Last phone call:
"Hello".."Hello, is this Miss Sophie Lea?".."Erm, who's calling?"...."this is HSBC ba...""I'm afraid Shes dead, goodbye"

3. Last text message:
Katie Taylor: "No, If you were turning into a Daily Mail Columnist, the headline would've been OUTRAGE AS MUSLIM WOMAN USES TOILETS MEANT FOR BRITISH CITIZENS"

4.Last song you listened to:
pretty much been listening to 'Don't walk away' by Chromeo for the past 6 days

5. Last time you cried:
About two mintues ago, when I realised this is the sort of thing I do with my life.

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice?:
Ive never been on a date, I tend to just skip to the arguments,weight gain and dryed up sex part.saves time

7. Been cheated on:
Of course I have,I'm not a lesbian.

8. Kissed someone & regretted it:
No, I needed the money, and John Leslie is a very persuasive man

9. Lost someone special:
what, like in a supermarket? thats very careless.

10. Been depressed:
I'm alive ar'nt I?

11. Been drunk and threw up:
Christ this is awful, what was I thinking,its not even funny anymore...

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12. venom green
13. deathly mauve
14. bile yellow?

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)

15. Made a new friend:
Not since daddy locked me in the cellar.

16. Fallen out of love:
Olly Murs used to be cool

17. Laughed until you cried:
I've laughed at other people crying etc.

18. Met someone who changed you:
Doctor Kettering did a wonderful job and with a decent set of undies, you can hardly see the scars.

19. Found out who your true friends were:
Ron and Hermione obvs

20. Found out someone was talking about you:
all over the tabloids, like a pissing puppy.

21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list:
DADDY NOOOO...

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life?
All of them, I'm not a 12 year old girl or a 45 year old sex offender

23. How many kids do you want:
I'm not hungry right now har har har har.

24. Do you have any pets:
Rosie, she is a corgi, she eats plastic bags.I love her.

25. Do you want to change your name:
bored

27. What time did you wake up today:
bored

28. What were you doing at midnight last night:
In a spar in manchester, that smelt of tuna

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for:
NERDSTOCK avec le chien d'electro.Not looking forward to getting arrested for trying to sexually assault Brian Cox though. :(

.30. Last time you saw your Mother:
I block these things out...it could have been weeks ago, I'm happily unaware.

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life:
The beginning. I'd like there not to have been one essentially.

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom:
Whats he done?

34. Who's getting on your nerves right now:
Myself...this is just soul destroying.

35. Most visited webpage:
quizzesthatmakeyouwanttocommitharrycarry.com

36. Whats your real name:
Fryedchickenesha

37. Nicknames:
pete,long john sally,robotoclunge, there's a few...

38. Relationship Status:
itispossibletobehappilysingleyouknow@youshouldgiveitatrythenyoumightnotendupgoingoutwithsuchanarrayofarseholes.now

39. Zodiac sign:
Leo Sayers

40. Male or female:
Erm I'm fairly sure he's a bloke, although the hair, the hair *shakes head* dunno.

41.Primary School:
been already

42. Secondary School:
managed that as well thanks

43. High school/college:
yep

44. Hair color:
the deepest, most passionate fiery orange.Like the swirling nebulae of creation.
ginger.

45. Long or short:
I wouldn't describe myself as long, I'm about average height.

46. Height:
yes

47. Do you have a crush on someone:
wait for it.....

48: What do you like about yourself:
YOUR MUM!! HAHA oh no wait that was for the last one.

49. Piercings:
just my scrotsack nothing edgy.

50. Tattoos:
Ive got a tattoo of my face on my face, its really good, can hardly tell the difference

51. Righty or lefty:
My political stance, is frankly none of your business.

52. Sweet or salty?:
GIN

53. First piercing:
GIN?

54. First best friend:
Micheal Jackson came round once, but after the lawsuit, he wasn't allowed round again.

55. First sport you joined:
Jesus Juice quaffing

56. First vacation:
Neverland

57. What was your favorite memory as a child:
petting uncle Micheal's pet snake.
(I know its not funny, but I gave up ages ago)

58. First pair of trainers:
This ones for you Katie: Neon green, skipton market rip-off Nike AirMax

RIGHT NOW

59. Eating:
wait for it..... YOUR MUM! (Katie, she fucking stinks)

60. Drinking:
Yorkshire Tea, Of course

61. I'm about to:
Grate my own elbows off, very slowly as a favorable alternative to continuing with this

62. Listening to:
The dreadful harrowing emptiness of the decimated hollow of my mind and thoughts.

63. Waiting for:
The softness off death.

YOUR FUTURE

64. Want kids:
go away

65. Get married:
Shut up

66. Career:
*ears start to bleed*


ANSWER TRUTHFUL

67. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time:
*abdominal organs begin to shut down*

68. Did you sing today:
*sudden shooting pains down left arm*

69. Ever had a one night stand?:
*struggling for breath*

70. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?:
*blood pressure normalises*
Can I? does that mean I could go back to before I started this? Yes, but due to the causality of reality I would inevitably begin the quiz again anyway, and due to still present memories from before the time jump, I would find the experience twice as nausiating???
*loud flat beep*

71. The moment you would choose to relive:
*I am walking up a tunnel towards a bright light*

73. Are you afraid of falling in love:
*at the end of the light, a figure*

74. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths:
"god?"
"No you silly cock, Its Richard Dawkins. I'm frankly insulted you would give up rational thought at such a time, now bugger off your dead"



Goodnight you sad, bored bastards
xxx

Friday 19 November 2010

FRI 20th NOV

Good day!

Today I woke up too early.too early.
THEN I HAD SEX WITH A GAY PARTRIDGE!!!

Got your attention didn't it?....to be honest its all I could think of, because as I have come to realise, although my words are creamy and exotic, like a sexy lingual daiquiri, the stories they tell are not. Those stories are like rye bread and Bovril; dull, brown,barely palatable and sometimes cause an unintentional laxative effect.
I make people soil themselves with tedium.
I realised, people don't want to read my boring, everyday dribble. Not because people don't want to read boring, everyday dribble,as millions of people clearly do (hello quirky slur at the tabloids, har har) but because I'm not famous yet (durrrrrrr)
Famous people write absolute duffel bags full of wank and toss and the common man guzzles it greedily, pulling his trousers down and simpering for more.
So instead of accepting the inevitable, that essentially I'm about as readable as an instruction manual for the assembly of a pine wardrobe, written in Mandarin, by a simpleton experimenting with his own version of BRAILLE, I plan to cunningly deceive the reader into believing its a tour de force simply by 'bein' one of dem offa da telly.'
Soooo whats the plan?
The truth?
I don't have one, but I'm sure , as I ever have been that I deserve to be a world icon and one day the right person will meet me, preferably with a cigar in one hand a glass of brandy in the other and say, whilst brushing off his smoking jacket, in a 1940's faux Brooklyn accent:
"DARLIN' IM GONNA MAKE YOU A STAR"...then everyone will break into song and dance. Just like the good old days, when if you didn't have a notable talent you just had to sleep with a man, with a megaphone who had his name on a chair, instead of letting ITV film you rehearsing for Karaoke or wanking off a pig .
But until that day, whats an undiscovered genius to do to get herself some much needed attention?
Well its very simple, there is only one other thing people like reading about
THEMSELVES

::::::

Katie Taylor:
She is, contrary to most peoples belief: still alive and well, having not been raped by paupers in Hull.
She likes writing too, except shes good at it and people read her stuff and it all gud an spelt rite and gramma is done gud.

The things I like about Katie are:
  • She can play obscenity scrabble like no earthly being, Ive encountered before. She invented the word rejmeft. It is old English for 'lardy remnants'
  • When we go disco dancing the matrix of our false reality topples and is swept away, leaving only the haunting echo of a synthesizer and the violent abstract jerking motions of two sentients oblivious to the existence of other life.
  • She will ALWAYS let me throw up in her bin.

The things I don't like about Katie are:

  • She jumps on bandwagon after bandwagon after bandwagon "get off the' telling me to get off a bandwagon' bandwagon.
  • I heard shes got scrofula
  • She understands me and can blatantly see through me like a cheap greasy shower curtain.Stop giving me helpful advice you 'scroffy slag'.

Allegedly, Katie was found, round the back of the bins outside Waitrose and was kindly taken in by a gin merchant and part time property developer from Harrogate.

Its said, that she grew tired of the emptiness of wealth and soothed her existential woes by drinking her adopted parents speciality gins. After a particularly sharp bottle of London dry, Katie left her life behind one day and went in search of the humble origins that spurned her.

She didn't want to have to build a school in Africa.nobody should have to do that.

To this day she still hides her enormous wealth, by living in various rented accommodations in Yorkshire,deceiving friends who visit, by locking her butler in the airing cupboard and proclaiming "I'd offer you a brew, but theres nowt in".

She'd have got away with it and all, but I'm sorry, anyone who throws a party for the royal wedding is definitely a part-time property developer from Harrogate

I bet her real names Felicity, the fucking Ra.

So there we have it. If you want me to write a half bullet pointed summary of your strengths and weaknesses, followed by a completely fabricated biography of you, please do leave me some brief details below.

Thankyou and goodnight.

xxx

Monday 15 November 2010

MON 15th NOV 2010

YES!!, I hear you cry...."She's back, thank Christ the redeemer"



Well thanks, and I'm so sorry for leaving you two whole days without the word nourishment you deserve.



This weekend, stuff happened, that didn't involve soup, bubble baths or, until about an hour ago KitKats....the tensions building up, I can feel it. But don't wet yourselves kids, I'll tease you no more. Here is the story of a little ginger girl going to a real city, one of the ones people have heard of ....



So yeah, I went to Manchester on Saturday. I have friends there, they're real too.

The plan was to drink an amiable amount of Savanna cider (although there appears to be no such amount,ask Katie what I did to her bin) and hotfoot down to some cool indie club or whatever.

The drinking commenced, the usual frustration of what the hell do I wear, as I have to contradict popular thought and purvey that I am, in fact, a straight female,without a mental illness, stalled matters significantly and after not striking up a particularly great friendship with one of my best mates work mates, we headed out into the big trendy city, in search of lenseless glasses and people in loafers.

The night behaved, for me as it usually does these days, in the manner of a tired, dreary, balloon fart noise. This was not to the fault of anyone around me, it was unquestionably a combination of my distinct hatred for the current kiddie craze for dubstep and an inability to put 'a face on'.

I did, in my anguish, drink enough cheap ABV's to be completely unaware of any sensation of disparity whatsoever and participated with what I believe is called 'disco dancing'.This should have been it. The bit before I polished off a cheeseburger and passed out on somebody's floor and ultimately just another unsuccessful night out, that I will log with the hundreds of others, that have inadvertently marred my general happiness for the past two years and wake up and go home and just sigh.

But it didn't, because I'm an angry cunt. Because all these niggly little let downs in life, all the terrible mediocre atrocities, all the dreams that have been stubbed out like a cheap ciggy, all the horrible little bell-ends that have abused my trust and finger banged my hopes, have turned me into what is essentially a MISERABLE FUCK. A miserable, whining,narky,gloomy,snide,venomous ginger weasel.

What happened is irrelevant and certainly quite difficult to satire.

It got me thinking though, mainly about just what a divvy I come across to most people and whether I actually care?

I thought about this for a while and decided the only sensible solution is to summon a new persona,one that panders to its current company, so I can gage my current popularity.

I will be polite and considerate to all people I meet, I will object to nothing and actively applaud the suggestions of others,I will profess no dislike for anything audibly and will smile sweetly and bow courteously to all who pass.

This is a good summary of intentions for my new social experiment.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EoukRWQ-ec





This is how I would be:

"Sophie, this is Jeff, he's a friend of mine"

"Hy Jeff, what a lovely name, I'm Sophie, are you having a good night?"

"Yes, thank you, are you?"

"Yes, its great thanks, I really like the music, who'd have thought of playing Oasis continually, all night, how novel"

"Yes its good isn't it, I love getting drunk with a group of people, of whom we share literally nothing in common, and going to the same place we go every week and dancing to the same music, they've been playing for 5 years"

"Yes,how wonderful. I wish I had friends like yours, I'm so happy to have met you, I really hope we can be friends too. Have a great night"



now I realise, even as I type this, that my experiment, could never actualise. My gag reflex is simply too strong....



"Sophie, this is Jeff, He's a friend of mine"

"Hy, Jeff, that's a shit name, were you in Byker Grove? actually I wish that was you, coz THAT Jeff died in a fire, My names Sophie are you having a good night?"

"Erm..yes thank you, are you?"

"Yes, I am actually, because I'm currently visualising myself in a post apocalyptic world filled with giant sex-offending spiders,who have imprisoned us a series of glass lifts,which incidentally I'm absolutely petrified of, and I'm naked and all the other prisoners can see me, which just my luck, are all the men Ive ever fancied and due to the nuclear fall-out, Ive developed a nasty case of bowel cancer and keep soiling myself, but I'm so thankful that I have these visualisation skills, or I'd be aware of where I actually was and what a boring cunt I was talking to"

"Erm right, Its good though isn't it, I love getting drunk and...."

"look can you not just fuck off"



I think I've decided that I simply cannot suppress myself, if I intend to keep myself from jumping in front of a train.

I should definately learn to control my anger and I certainly don't like upsetting friends but the only reason I am sane, in fact the very reason I'm not more angry and more hateful and an even bigger twat, is that I vent my frustrations at the moment of frustration and dont leave hem to colate.

I will NEVER be able to enjoy myself if I have to listen to Morrisey.

I think the way to make headway here, is for me to accept I can't have everything my own way all the time and that most people are morons and I have to just deal with that :).(Har har I'm making a joke, but I probably deep down, genuinely think your all morons!!)



If I act like a dick,tell me.

If I give you a compliment, at least you know its genuine.

If you don't like me, I dare you to try and understand me at least.



and now to lighten the mood, this is the subject I've chosen to research today:



"Social anxiety disorder (SAD, SAnD) also called social phobia , is an anxiety disorder characterized by intense fear in social situations, causing considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some parts of daily life

Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, chronic fear of being judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by one's own actions. These fears can be triggered by perceived or actual scrutiny from others. While the fear of social interaction may be recognized by the person as excessive or unreasonable, overcoming it can be quite difficult

Some sufferers may use alcohol or other drugs to reduce fears and inhibitions at social events. It is common for sufferers of social phobia to self-medicate in this fashion, especially if they are undiagnosed, untreated, or both; this can lead to alcoholism or other kinds of substance abuse."



Ha ha ha ha ha , look at me,I said I was going to lighten the mood, I made a sardonic reference,hahaha

here's a pug in fancy dress

http://dogs.thefuntimesguide.com/images/blogs/pug-dog-bride.jpg




Night chaps

xxx

Friday 12 November 2010

FRI 12TH NOV 2010

Hello

Today I woke around 3.30pm,fully clothed, with my jacket and shoes on and a very unpalatable taste of baileys and chilli sauce.
Now I know what your thinking "Oh please Sophie, don't tell me about your apparently hilarious late night drinking shenanigans,else I'll have no choice but to pop you along to Dignitas for the sake of your own human rights"..and you'd be right..its never funny, its not even sad, its just shit and arse, puerile drivel,spume,Piss-sandwiches.

  • "Oh my god like I was totally fucking wasted last night, I showed a tramp my tits and farted into a charity box!!!"
  • "Hahahahaha, Last night was well funny, I drunk 15 litres of sambuca and then this girl started dancing with me,so I raped her...Dans got photos...I'll Facebook you man"
  • "You would not believe how fucked I was last night, I must have had 10 to 12 drugs, my eyes swole up and now I have cataracts...fucking genius."
  • "You missed a corker last night mate,we all played drinking games and shagged each others girlfriends, and then Jeff took two E's snorted a bottle of Cillit Bang,wanked off a cat and his Kidneys failed and he died!!."

and my least favorite...

  • "Ooohhh fuck me, what a night, none of us really have anything in common and lack basic social skills,so we decided to dress up as like fucking cowboys or whatever.We like went to some bar somewhere,where we shouted at the bar staff, coz like were all training to be lawyers or fucking teachers and are like loads better than them and then danced to chart music and like some people fingered each other in a bin or whatever, It was hilarious, it really made us all feel like we were having a good time, even though we wer'nt, we were all crying inside because it was like the pre-cursor to a life filled with Saturday supermarket visits,bi-annual trips to Malaga with the screaming selfish little bastards, we're all gonna pop out with the first girl we meet that doesn't annoy us that much and turns a blind eye to all the unsatisfying affairs we'll have because our self esteem evaporated around about the same time our imagination did.Class!!!."

Essentially we have all done this, its very difficult not to, because for the majority of most peoples 20's, life centres around getting as inebriated as possible to console all our recently smashed hopes and aspirations.Four years ago, I had a plan. I now realise that plan, the one I had centred all my hope, effort and passion towards, is about as realistic as a 15 foot sentient hatstand finding a cure for death.

This is why, I feel excused for my insufferable open-ended cynicism and for filling my life with a series of transparent distractions.

I don't feel its ever going to get me anywhere however and I know full well I should go about doing things that would be easier to write about enthusiastically. In fact I SHOULD have so much arse-rippingly exciting shit going on that I'd have to hire a butler to write about it for me, whilst I was busy jumping out of a plane with a paper parachute on,on fire, adorned with barbed wire,with automatic machine guns firing bullets shaped like swords at me continuously for some charity to save the kiddies or whatever.

Alas,with everything else in life I fear even with my best efforts that would be difficult to achieve, so I'm taking the advice of all the condescending twat-cocklers, who essentially don't have the balls to tell me I'm never really going anywhere, and I'm starting small.

This is today's brain discharge:

I will set about finding shit out, about shit that I didn't know shit all about before.

Once a day I will endeavor to research a subject, I know little or nothing about. This can be useful to me in two ways: 1. I will build up a better picture of the world around me and how it works, enhancing my knowledge, dispelling ignorance and prejudices and giving me a better platform on which to make the important decisions in life. 2. I can be a proper smug twat and laugh at other people for not knowing all the shit I know.Har Har little stoopid dum dums *waggles finger over lips whilst making a 'durrr' noise*

Today I learnt:

The Persian melon, binomial name cucumis melo is a type of melon. It is orange in colour and has a strongly netted, unridged rind. It is also known as the "Patelquat". These are most commonly found wild in all western countries and in its native Iran. The Patelquat has a sharp, bitter taste and is not aesthetically very pleasing, however, once cooked, the taste waters down into a more mellow, palatable flavour

With these rules of conduct,surely the path ahead is gaining intellectual altitude.

for now,its biscuit time,probably a Kit Kat, fuck it two Kit Kats, Ive earned it.

Till tomorrow, faithful few

Goodnight.

xx

Thursday 11 November 2010

THURS 11TH NOV 2010

Good morning,for it is morning for me. I find it much more pleasing to awake around this time as there are no annoying bird noises and lunch usually has a far more pallatable menu.

Im going to cut the point-theres some toast in the grill,some soup on the boil and a whole bottle of radox just waiting to get caned in my pre-work bubblebath....I told you I was a maverick.

this really is as exciting as it gets....christ I hope nothing thrilling like a broken bandit or a medium brawl happens at work tonight I might collapse with the pressure.

more heartstopping drama tommorow.

ttfn
xx

Wednesday 10 November 2010

WEDS 10TH NOV 2010

I'd like to say people tell me I should write more often,but alas my friends are too honest. I have in response,created a second personality that has befriended my first and has been spending the last few weeks coaxing me into believing that my messages should be heard,my talents are great and the people deserve to witness my genius.Im a bit creeped out by myself, all this arselicking after only a few weeks, its wierd,we barely know one another. However I should do something other than youtube surf and eat kitkats,so I have endeavered to keep a daily record of just how shit and piss my drivelling existence is,with amusing anecdotes and quirky thoughts of the day.I know it sounds abhorant doesnt it, Im sorry, me made me do it.enjoy.
(p.s. im proper well thick and spent most of my time at school,smoking and calling teachers wankers,probably because I thought I was like dead cool or whatever. Due to my stereotypical misadventures I am pretty much a government standard special when it comes to spelling and grammer,so anyone kind enough to proof read,edit and send my excretions back to me all la-di-dah,very much appreciated..I'l lend you a ciggy or biscuit or something.)

Sooooo on with todays activities.
At approximately 1.30pm I awoke,as I usually do with the stale realisation that I had,to my misfortune, survived to see another day. After lolloping to the kettle like a sad orange manatee and rolling an unsavoury looking tab I was struck with an irregular aspiration to make today count,to wash away the cynical dandruff, straighten a metaphorical bow tie and get down to some serious life changing optomism. This lasted precisely 2 and a half minutes before I rolled another ciggy and went upstairs to continue my career as a part time facebook stalker and BBC news 'have your say' commentator.
At lucnhtime I had carrot and coriander soup. This was a particular highlight as it meant I was encouraged to leave my seat.
At around 4pm I had had enough of watching students underline exactly why everybody hates them so much and set about sorting some old books.
The majority of my collection consisted of Terry Pratchett and toilet reading and not for one minute will I allow you to suggest in your own personal libraries these would constitute the same header. One book however did catch my attention, an old diary from my teens, where apon reading I discovered something about myself I had never known before....I used to be an aboslute cunt.
EXAMPLE:

"I just dont know what to do,I really want to go out with him, but Im scared.My parents hate him and my brother thinks hes a smackhead but hes so totally OMG shaggable LOL. I could totally show him off to my friends and he's way cool,but what if he finds out Im a virgin and dumps me???? I just dont need this shit in my life.fuck everyone"

this was accompanied by a rather long list of people I had snogged and various creepy pictures of boys that I fancied,usually sporting the a-typical nineties mini quiff and a le coq sportif jacket with captions underneath saying things like "mmm dreamy" and "hes so fit"??????

I had literally no idea I could hate somebody as much as I now hate my adolesant self. I should have been arrested for crimes against reality.

With this shivering horrorscape of near inescapable travesty lodged firmly in my mind,I knew only one thing could save me from accepting my own cuntishness, dressing up as a fire extinguisher and waiting for some hoody wearing psuedo-punk to hurl me off Millbank tower.
I had to write a new diary to prove I no longer think with my labia,to show the world my anguish no longer revolves around worrying if I could get pregnant because I tossed somebody off and that I hate people for differing reasons than wether they were a mosher or not (actually strike that,I still dont like moshers).
And so here it is, a fresh start a new chapter to document,memoirs in the making a horrible pre-cursor to how much I will inevitably hate myself in ten years time.
I hope your ready, for tommorow I'm having toast for lunch and contraversialy a bubble bath before work....

Im a tease, I know....;)
xx