Wednesday 5 December 2012

"Yes, it is solid gold...but that's my favourite colour"

Hello and welcome back kids.

 It's been a while but I thought I'd dust off my blog fingers and ease them slowly and sensually back into your minds.

 In this time of crippling recession the things people spend money on, particularly if I can't afford them, has started to irritate me violently. Soaking away in my discount, non-bubble bath, washing my hair with Wilkos finest luminous green, faintly fruit smelling goo it occurred to me that some people's minor spending habits may well be the reason I can't get a fucking job.

 Here's a fun quiz for you all to join in with, that might just, if you pay attention and rectify your abominable western consumerist actions, SAVE US ALL.

 Soooooo let's play

  TOO MUCH MONEY OR A FUCKING IDIOT?

The rules are simple,jot down a yes or no to these questions and depending on your results you may have either got far too much money or are just a bit of a fucking dumdum. Helpful information on how to sort your gullible semi-existence out, will be offered at the end. Good Luck!

 1. Do you buy branded cleaning products, when blander looking products with less statistical horseshit on the front are available?

 2. Have you ever visited a Laura Ashley?

 3. Is your wine rack worth more than your total weekly spend on wine?

 4. Does the fact that you can't get an NHS dentist not in the least bit worry you?

 5. Have you ever paid to upgrade to first class on a Transpennine Express?

 6. Do you use multi-vitamins?

 7. Is there a room spare in your house that doesn't have a 'lodger wanted' sign in the window or a pile of rich people's bodies you have murdered for their jewellery?

 8. Do you own a Wii?

 9. Did you graduate, having only dipped marginally into your fucking colossal overdraft every now and then to pay off an unexpected credit card bill from All Saints?

10. Have your parents ever bought you a car because you 'deserved it for working so hard'?

11. Is there anything more extravagant in your bathroom than toothpaste, a toothbrush, a razor, shampoo, body wash or one of them weird fucking net things that looks like a big terrifying underwater bollock?

12. Personalised number plate?

13. Loreal's right, I am worth it. Do you agree with this statement?

14. Loreal? that stuff is shit, I only buy the stuff my hairdresser pressure sells me at Tony And Guy. Do you agree with this statement?

15. Do you have your hair cut at Tony And Guy?

16. Do you still buy albums?

17. Do you still buy SINGLES?

18. Have you ever been to one of those fucking disgusting establishments where you are encouraged to feed your dead skin and corns to starved fish?

19. Do you own a pair of headphones that cost more than £20 and are not a professional DJ?

20. Do you regularly have enough money left after a gig to buy a T-shirt?

21. Have you ever been to a Dr. Kruger and left with anything other than a look of absolute disdain from the shop assistant?

22. Have you ever had to ask somebody what the term hand-me-down means?

23. Career wise, do your parents tell you, you can be anything you want?

23.5. Career wise, could your dad feasibly get you into any industry you so wish?

24. You've got phone insurance right?

25. Is the sound system in your car worth more than the vehicle itself?

26. You've heard the term CCJ but you have no idea what it means?

27. If you smoke, you constantly have a 20 deck on hand and have never resorted to making a new fag out of the burnt, foul smelling stubs left in last night's ashtray?

28. You've only ever visited a charity shop to buy a hilarious 'old lady' costume for your ski social?

29. When faced with the choice between houmous and organic houmous, you couldn't morally bring yourself to buy the cheaper option?

30. Have you ever been to a festival and booked yourself one of those neet wigwams, that come with the hot showers?

 31. TOWIE is the only programme on TV that really speaks to you?

32. Have you ever bought a 'bath bomb'?

33. Would you buy a boxset of a programme you'd never seen?

34. Do you consider tapas to be a reasonable lunch?

35. Do you buy anything but Sainsburys Basics/Asda Smartprice/Aldi own brand toilet roll for a reason other than chronic diarrheah or a sadistic penchant for anal?

If you have answered yes to more than 5 questions, it is my grave duty to inform you, that you may have too much money and are dwindling it fruitlessly back into the greedy simpering mouths of people just like you. Why not redress the balance by giving a hefty sum of your needless salary/allowance/inheritance/laundered drug money to a worthy cause (I consider myself a worthy cause right now).Go on, the receipt can go on the pinboard next to that picture of you building a school in Africa with Tarquin and Pippa.

If you don't feel you fit in to that category then, it brings me no joy to have to tell you that you might just be a fucking gibbering idiot. Do you consistently find yourself short of food or basic sanitary products because you simply couldn't buy a pair of unbranded trainers? or wipe your arse with anything but silk? Do you feel compelled, after the advert in the cinema to buy a cool refreshing SoCo because it really expresses beverage-wise the kind of person you are? The good news for you my gullible friend is that I have a brilliant documentary for you to watch that might, if you're not a complete feckless twat, give you the kick up the arse you need.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prTarrgvkjo&noredirect=1

 Glad to be of service, as always. xxx

1 comment:

  1. Fucking hell, I think I'm on 6. You just ruined my day. Good points, well made though so I'll probably forgive you.

    ReplyDelete