Tuesday, 8 November 2011

I may look like a 12 year old but I'm having a mid-life crisis

Good evening my adoring fans and in my usual cynical gait I'd like to wish you all as miserable and hopeless an evening as I'm having.
No,its fine, its just my mid-life crisis playing up again, I'll be fine in a few hours because I'll probably decide I want to be an astronaut and happy in the knowledge that that's totally attainable, because I can do anything, because I'm totally fucking brilliant at everything, I'll settle down with a pizza and watch something with Daniel Craig in,also aware that he'll be mine,just as soon as he dumps that dog he's married because I've got squint teeth but essentially I'm absolutely gorgeous and hilarious and men secretly really like cellulite and double chins and deep-seated insecurity.This will last approximately an hour and a half before I burst into dribbling tears and sob woefully into a Starbar,punching myself in the gunt for being such a fat useless,ugly fucking idiot.
You see its a rather complex life, living day to day when your self-belief is both delusional and yet rock bottom simultaneously
Want to know something really gay? I put some classical music on to help me write this,but Ive had to turn it off because I started crying.Apparently I cry at everything these days.
Am I having a breakdown? If so,why am I doing it on the Internet for all to see?
I guess I just want to know how some people survive their mid twenties with so much dignity intact. I don't mean the squares who don't get blind drunk and and wake up on a roundabout covered in vomit with the number of the local soup kitchen scratched into a can of Skoll with "call me" underneath. I mean the people who do that and yet, seem to miraculously end up in a job they enjoy and a charming boyfriend in a cutesy bohemian flat in one of the nice bits of London and go to see bands that hardly anyone else has heard of and go to art galleries and actually enjoy it.ARSEHOLES HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MANAGE TO DO THAT? ARE YOU A ROBOT? It shouldn't be possible for people to continuously make the right decisions all the time, they should be reprimanded for fucking witchcraft.
I'm sitting here at the ripe age of 25 with literally fuck all to show for it.I've not even managed to board an aeroplane yet.That's right, I've not built a school in Africa.I spent my gap year working.Something I decided a long time ago, isn't for me.

Soooooo if that's the case,why don't I just settle down and sign on, or even better pop a kid out and reap our country's liberal benefit system? well aside from owning some genuine morals,I am stuck with this awful fanciful idea that I'm capable of better.Its a curse.
My dad and I often discuss the old question, would you rather be ignorant and happy or enlightened and tortured? or as my dad likes to put it, would you rather be a sad fat bastard eating TV dinners and working for a week in Benidorm every year, but be totally happy with that? or would you rather be unhappy but constantly striving for better?


It might be a quote from The Matrix but its certainly appropriate at this unfortunate junction in many peoples lives,now or never,take the easy route to mediocre contentment or jump ship and sleep on nails trying to find something else.
I will almost certainly do the latter as my mental health won't survive the voyage to 9-5sville Boredomia,but is it really the right thing to do?.
I've wanted to be many things during my life, from Archaeologist to Actor and from Judge to Journo and I've never really had any evidence to prove I am incapable of any of them.My parents, possibly out of kindness have never deterred me from pursuing unrealistic career options and until relatively recently I have been an undercover optimist,but the past 3 years since graduating from a degree of no use, which I didn't particularly enjoy, the arse-splitting realisation of how the world really works has given me a school gates kidney punch too many times and although I'm still an arrogant twat and constantly believe my destiny is greatness,I now have started to consider that the rest of the world may not catch on to this.

Obviously because they re not as brilliant as me.

When I was 18, I had a boyfriend.Of course I did, I was a size 8 and had an unrivalled willingness to set aside my personality in order to get one.
He was admittedly a very nice boyfriend for the most time and I gave up a place at a decent university in order to continue living with him. I now consider this to be the biggest mistake I've ever made,but I went to my local Uni non the less and enjoyed two whole weeks before I got dumped.Unfazed I carried on and although I despised the majority of my course, my Dad was paying my rent, so I sort of had to graduate to avoid being a massive fucking let down. I graduated.
Standard,next I auditioned for drama school and didn't get in.Then what? Well that was the bit I wasn't expecting,I was so certain in my young naivety that I wouldn't need one,that I didn't have a back up plan and my Uni provided me with less credible career advice than an episode of Skins. Hmmmmm, well I had a job, so at least I had some money coming in to save up for whatever else I decided to do,problem was,I never decided what that was and here we are nearly 4 years later going to work,wishing away every second I'm alive,growing an acidic hatred for the general public,going out two nights a week and slowly substituting jagerbombs for happiness,putting on weight,sporadically having brief encounters with terrible men and waiting for a director to knock on my door and give me a career.That does happen, by the way, just ask Peter Capaldi.

I've been trying recently,quite desperately to decide what I want to do and not just generalising it to 'not a normal job'. I've been looking at post-grads in things I'm interested in,but I don't have enough money and even if I did I'd probably hate it and land myself in 20 grand more debt for no reason.
So what do you do when you are both egotistical and insecure,cock-sure and not sure?
What do you do, when even your doctor tells you,you're getting old now,but all you really know you want to do is something just a little bit more exciting than this?
Fuck knows, that's why I'm asking you.
Hoping for the usual read were you? Good old Sophie and her silly blogs,they always make me laugh.


I hope you're just as depressed as me, especially if you made the right decisions and never needed guidance,especially if you have a lovely boyfriend who would never cheat on you and fit Topshop clothes and gave up smoking and go home for Christmas and watch telly and never wish it was you on the screen and never have to go to the dentist except for check-ups and can look out into a crowd and believe genuinely that 90 percent of the people in it are 'decent' and check the calories on sandwiches and make a purchase based on these figures and have been abroad to exciting places and have never had a panic attack and don't feel,for the majority of the time you are around other human beings that they hate you and love you simultaneously.
If you arnt, its OK, you will be in 20 years time.
Theres only so many trips to Ikea a person can go on before they realise their life has no worth.
Perhaps I'm having my mid-life crisis early and I'm getting it out of the way and I can swan around in 20 years time pissing myself at all you unfortunate bastards covering up your nasty little affairs and selling your houses so that your ungrateful children can go to Uni and follow the same path as you did in some suburban circle of hell.
Maybe I'll be like Madonna or something, proper fucking tidy for an old bird and all you lot will be like,shit diggedy dang I wish I looked that good,I'd kill for a bloke 20 years my junior and I can come back and visit Lancaster and laugh at all the peasants and cry at awards ceremonies and thank my parents for not making me be a teacher....
Yeaaaahhhhhh maybe,although I feel its probably far more likely I'll be living in a counsil flat on my own waking up only for my morning gin,kicking dried dog shit away from the cupboard where I keep my giro book so I can drag my badly treated,barely usable body into town to bottom Wetherspoons to reminisce with the rest of the people who got trapped here how good Monday nights at Toast used to be.



  1. "Theres only so many trips to Ikea a person can go on before they realise their life has no worth."

    That is one of my favourite sentences ever.

  2. Get a transfer down to a pub in London (which is the best place), get a room in a shared house, do some auditions, be in some short films, do some stand up, do some singin', get a boyfriend 20 years your junior, go to prison.

    Happy to help, see you soon :)

  3. Great post, I've had a similar experience, except instead of being in a rubbish job I've been unemployed and depressed, drugged up on anti-depressants. Am doing better now though, volunteering for charities in things that I'm interested in. Writing mainly, done web content and newsletters. Seems very hard to get a paid job in this area though. Maybe try that, if you want to give something a go before committing it. Everything does feel a risk when you're broke, I feel your pain. You are a great writer and seriously funny. I have to admit I'm the same: arrogant in that I think I'm destined for greatness but also chronically insecure as other people don't seem to see it. I'm Elle's mate btw, just clicked on you off her Facebook account as you look so striking and a bit similar to her!