Politicks

So, it's been a while since I have tickled the alphabetic trout and although I'd like to say that's down to a calm and contented few months, it's really because I haven't really had five minutes to sit down and contemplate how simultaneously stressful and dull my life actually is, let alone forge it into a 500 word vignette of exquisite hilarity.
I have, however, garnered just about enough animosity around a broad subject, over the last year or so to erupt mildly into an incoherent set of analogies and so I will try and do that for you now.
So politics yeah? what a heap of old bollocky-wollocks yeah?
Yeah.
Well kind of...I think. Maybe, maybe not. Don't know.
It's all very confusing at the moment. I'm not sure whether politics is bad, or only some politics done by the politic people who we aren't supposed to like or whether all of them are lizard politic manphibians or we should just remember that politics doesn't exist and go down the pub or buy a new book on how not to vote for any of the politics and instead just have a big shag with each other.
I swear the whole issue used to be a lot simpler. We'd have a big look at all the ideas the different politic men said they liked doing and then we'd choose the ones we liked too and then write a big kiss next to the name of the politic party that was going to do them and put it in a box and then wait to see if everybody else liked the same ones. The worst that could really happen there was you could find out everybody else liked different ideas to you and you lost your faith in humankind and went off and lived in a hut by yourself.
But now another man has showed up and he's not a politic man and he has a thesaurus and he's saying not to put a kiss next to any of them and instead to find an "alternative to corporate hegemony" and because nobody has ever found out what that means and because he has a very Jesusy beard, he is probably the only person in the world who can tell us what to do.
Everybody else seems to be making his point, whatever that is, ten times more relevant.
David Cameron and his big posh boner party keep being meaner and meaner to everybody who hasn't got a massive house. Ed and the lads keep wearing massive big yellow and green trousers and filling them all with paint and falling off their tiny bicycles and crying every time someone asks them for a policy because they got custard pie on their copy of the Guardian and they have forgotten what people want them to say.
 Ukip decided not to go dressed as the Gestapo for Halloween and instead just went as a lightly blacked up Golliwog and so everyone thought they were a jolly good laugh but they actually have just put the Gestapo costumes in the cupboard ready for next year.
The Greens haven't said anything because nobody has let them have a go and there is no point in mentioning the Liberal Democrats because they have done the most amount of damage to the left of politics since the rise of communism.
I guess what I am trying to explain but making a big dog shit soup of, is the current disillusion with mainstream politics and the arrival of an apparent seismic division of popular policy caused by an array of social factors so dazzlingly complicated Russel Brand's thesaurus wouldn't have the words to describe it.
Those with right leanings are going more and more right and saying everyone who is poor or foreign is a bellend and those with left leanings are going more and more left and saying everything everybody is doing is wrong and stupid and, no of course I haven't thought of an alternative, I don't have to, I just have to say you're wrong and everybody just keeps shouting at each other and saying "YOUR IDEAS ARE RUBBISH EVERYTHING'S YOUR FAULT". And poor old Ed doesn't know which side to pander to so he's picking the worst ideas off everybody.
It's a bloody big mess and this is where The Messiah steps in and tell us what to do with his new book and everyone suddenly goes "WOW, SHAG-NASTY!" and then it becomes trendy to slag him off and then EVEN TRENDIER to post a link to somebody else saying people who slag him off are so last week and just don't 'get' him because they simply aren't cool or brainy enough and the cycle continues to the point where hipsters just explode because they found out about the new Cereal Cafe but they just don't know whether to read Revolution or a peice by Polly Toynbee over their fucking Fruit Loops.
I think really everybody just needs to calm down and have a little think, politic manphibeans and laymen alike and just sit down and go: "Right really, when you think about what's fair and reasonable and works out in the long run for most people for the best, what should we think about doing?" and stop trying to blame everybody else and maybe just try and apply a bit of their political ideology to everyday things and just see if it's a bit silly or over reactive.
Like say a driving test. Right wing driving tests would be almost impossible to pass and cost £4 billion pounds to take and foreign people wouldn't be allowed to take them and then left wing driving tests would be really lovely and everybody would pass them and be made to feel really special and get a lolly and then ram immediately into a wall upon exiting the test centre and then Russel Brand would just say "Fuck the tests!, we don't need tests, car crashes only happen because the government have secret technology to control the population"
It's an incomprehensible maze this politics debacle and it may feel overwhelming, or even rousing when there are cleverly worded and presented arguments flying around like brightly coloured turds, whizzing past your head and in your paper and on your Facebook and youtube and via the signals from your tin foil hats but please, just slow down, have a little think and a talk, without the aid of mind altering drugs or alcohol and preferably with people of opposing views and just try and come to some reasonable conclusion.
And for fuck sake, when you do, please don't turn it into a symbolic coloured poppy you can wear out in Shoreditch, with your fucking Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles t-shirt.

Much love
Ginge xx