The Woes of the Employed VS the Unemployed

Unemployment has been a much chattered subject of late, with politicians scrambling all over each other to think of new and more horrifying ways of punishing the disadvantaged. With the prospect of totally failing to find a job and the Tories new and effective method of getting me one (taking away my benefits) being tantamount to removing a patient's medicine to encourage them to get better, you'll forgive me for feeling a little hopeless.
 As I sit here in the dark grasp of unemployment, like most, I am of course struck by the terrible feelings of woe it yields. I've not been unemployed too long and being a creature of misanthropy, I have not forgotten the woes of the slightly better off, or indeed way back when I was a student, the woes of the blissfully unaware.
So who is the least joyful? Who's having the shittest time? Because it seems to me, when I speak to everyone else, we all think we are.
 I guess unhappiness is completely subjective and can only really be put in to perspective once you realise how shit things can actually be.
I have decided to compile a list of the complaints of both the better and the worser off, for your amusement and possibly enlightenment. Hopefully some of you may read this an become instantaneously struck with a sense of your own sickening, cosseted petulance.


Employed: "I'm so sick of the office calling me on the weekend, I mean come on, give a guy a break here!"

Unemployed: "MY PHONE'S RINGING, MY PHONE'S RINGING!!! YEAHHHH MAYBE IT'S AN INTERVIEW...nope, it's just Debt Express AGAIN."

Employed: "I hate Sundays, that feeling of knowing you've got to get up in the morning..."

Unemployed: "I hate Sundays, that feeling of knowing you have nothing to get up for EVER"

Employed: "I hope my boss doesn't find out the reason I didn't get that report out on time is because I've been trying to beat my best score on Solitaire for the past half an hour"

Unemployed: "I hope the wider world doesn't find out the reason I haven't washed in two days is because I have been awake for 48 hours trying to beat my best score on Spider Solitaire"

Employed: "How am I going to afford an outfit for this wedding when I don't get paid for another two weeks and I accidentally spent last month's wage on getting pissed and having a great time, generally"

Unemployed: "How am I going to afford washing powder for this wedding, to try and take the gravy stain out of the one dress left that fits me because food is the only comfort I have left in my life"

Employed: "Oh my god, oh my god, I shouldn't have taken out a Wonga, how the hell am I going to afford that mini-break in Paris next month now????"

Unemployed: "Oh my god, oh my god, I shouldn't have taken out a Wonga, to pay off that Quick Quid I got out to pay off that Payday Express I needed when I couldn't afford the bus to an interview, how the hell am I going to afford to eat?"

Employed: "I wish people would stop getting mad at me for not making it round at the weekends, I am a busy girl, I can't please EVERYBODY"

Unemployed: "I swear I used to have friends"

Employed: "It's totally unreasonable them asking me to work the day before, the day before Christmas Eve, I mean Christ  it's supposed to be the holiday season, how am I supposed to enjoy it knowing I'm basically the only person in the world still working that late"

Unemployed: "I wonder if Poundland pay you extra to work Christmas Day"

Employed: "I don't pay my taxes so that you can sit around on your arse, leading the life of luxury"

Unemployed: "I can't believe a moron like you has a job and I don't"

Employed: "I think it's totally unreasonable that the council only collect the recycling bins every two weeks, it's starting to look like there's been a party in Threshers in my garden"

Unemployed: "I wonder if I Sellotape the top of this half-drunk can of Skoll, it'll be fresh enough to take the edge off tomorrow?

Employed: "Classic night before payday tea: Beans on toast. #lol #retro #hurryupmoney"

Unemployed: "Classic night before dole day tea: Glass of water and a docker re-rolled from the ashtray"

Employed: "I wish I could afford to buy ALL my shopping from Waitrose, but I just nip there for my 'bits'"

Unemployed: "I wish I could afford my shopping"

Employed: "Yeah, so I'm thinking of going back to uni to retrain. Anything is possible if you really want it"

Unemployed: "I was thinking of going back to college to retrain but the Job Centre said they'd take my benefits off me"

Employed: "Excuse the mess, I'm no domestic goddess, I always say: a clean house is the sign of a wasted life"

Unemployed: "A clean house is a sign of someone with too much self-esteem"

Employed: "Was that the door? Yippeeeee, my ASOS has arrived!"

Unemployed: "Was that the door? Shit, hide. I hope I locked all the windows. Bailiffs can't break an entry right?"

Employed: "I am so unhappy with my phone contract right now, I'm going to kick off with Orange, I mean how am I supposed to play Farmville all day with only 1000mb?"

Unemployed: "I haven't had a text message in 3 weeks. I guess people got fed up of me not replying"

Employed: "Yah, so I'm going on this no meat diet because like the rain forest or some shit is dying and like we all have a responsibility and I mean that's what it said in the Guardian and anyway I need to lose a few pounds before we go off to the Maldives. #bikinibody #savingtheworld"

Unemployed: "There is only so much plain rice you can eat before you seriously start considering butchering your own pets"

Employed: "I really need to get myself a winter wardrobe, I mean I have like two coats for the whole season, and don't even talk to me about jumpers, I shrank my best one in the wash last year, it was from Topshop, what an idiot"

Unemployed: "Those clothes bins in the car park. How hard do you reckon it would be to reach into that weird scoop thing and pull out a pair of shoes?"

Employed: "I have been up all night worrying about bills"

Unemployed: "I have been up for 3 days worrying about there not being a meaning to life"

Employed: "What I really need right now is some 'me time' "

Unemployed: "Does anybody have the number for The Samaritans?"

Employed: "It's total bollocks that there's no jobs, my Dad found me one in like A DAY"

Unemployed: "I think my email is broken, maybe I'm a ghost. I mean even a rejection letter right now would help, just so I know I'm not actually dead and this is some sort of cruel Limbo, where I'm forced to spend every waking minute knowing my existence is seemingly of no use to anybody anywhere. Only really leaving the house every two weeks to go to the Job Centre, to lose any scrap of encouragement I have left from the many other spectres, loping around in abject misery"

Happy Teatime guys xxxxxxxxxxxxx