With the influx of general pamphlet based bollockery working it's way into our homes lately, some of us have been left dribbling with confusion at which bunch of bastards to vote for. Do we vote for the posh Bastards, to help mend the economy by taking a big shit on poor people? Do we vote for the other Bastards, who so far have managed to completely avoid creating a single policy? Or do we vote for the lying Bastards or the racist Bastards or the even more racist Bastards or the Hippies? A lot will say they'd rather not vote at all.
I decided that would be a waste of a hard earned choice so instead of listening to self-styled Messiah and full time flesh purse botherer Russel Brand, I shall set up a new political party and run for office, carrying hopefully some more sensible, agreeable, non-lobbied ideas to Parliament myself.
The Party for the Raising of Individual's Common Knowledge and Sense, or PRICKS will be at the forefront of a campaign to enlighten Whitehall to the reality of actual life. So far they appear to have avoided it by having so much money and privilege they barely know how to get through a revolving door without asking who they were supposed to tip.
Here's a few of my proposed policies:
Education-
Absolutely get rid of posh schools. Nobody needs to speak Latin for fuck sake. Except the Pope, but he's only doing it to be flamboyant. The only thing these poor, rich little bastards actually learn is how to talk like they're auditioning for Blackadder. Stupid hairstyles are rife and up to 90% of privately educated students develop the life altering facial disfigurement known as 'fart-sniffers smirk'.
I suggest that everybody goes to school together like we're all human beings. I realise some of you may find that a bit far fetched.
Crime-
Put everyone on a big island like in Escape from New York, then we can put cameras up everywhere and quench our insatiable thirst for torturing people on reality programmes. Or I mean we could try and kind of develop some kind of rehabilitation system, so that when people come out of prison they can get a job and all that and don't have to return to crime to survive? No? OK, maybe we can get Jason Statham to be the new Snake Pliskin then. FUCK THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.
Economy-
Give poor people more money. They can spend like a bastard. If you give rich people all the money they just put it all in a big box and stare at it till they go bloodshot and their teeth grow really big and they start marrying their relatives. Just think if you went round to all the toff's houses and took their money boxes while they were out shooting things and just gave it to everybody else, there would literally be 1 billion jobs created in a week, in the brewing industry alone.
Public services-
Our party is committed to not fucking over all the really good people who do the most important jobs ever.
We pledge to stop fucking selling things to all our mates. If we are successful we will bring in a new wages system whereby you get paid according to how important your role in society is. For example if you are Wayne Rooney, by 2015 you will be getting around about £6.60 an hour and if you are a nurse, you'll finally be able to go on a nice holiday in the Bahamas and buy a big car instead of scrimping together 30p to buy your 4 kids a tin of kidney beans to share for their lunches for the next two weeks.
Teacher's will be afforded a new piece of legislation allowing them to throw old bananas and stale milk at Michael Gove in any public place.
Railways will be given back to people who know how to run them, we will pay for police and firemen and The Post Office will be returned to the people, with a special freepost delivery service available to citizens wishing to post their own 'leavings', sealed for freshness, to Osbourne manor.
Immigration-
...is good. If you think it isn't, you're a racist and all racists under our government will have to get on the Fourth Plinth as we read out their DNA results and explain to them, in public just how fucking stupid they are.
Those that refuse to acknowledge that we are all technically immigrants and that's what makes the world such a beautiful place will be made to stay with Nigel Farage in his massive house, drinking beer and being totally down to earth for the rest of their natural lives.
Welfare-
With a global recession on our hands I ask you to consider this analogy. If you were the headteacher of a failing school, in a county over it's public spending budget, would you A: rally round the PTA and the local community asking those that could give the most to do so or would you B: Revoke the poor children's free school meals until they had each spent a month cleaning the toilets with their mouths and go round the canteen, kicking all the kids in wheelchairs till their dinner money fell out.
Environment-
We would like to have one. Definitely more so than a Jeremy Clarkson.
Europe-
Being out of Europe makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever. Except of course if you want to flout human rights to deport people we are claiming to be worse than us.
Remember kids, there IS an alternative. Vote PRICK this May for a more tolerable future.
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