Friday 21 November 2014

Impossible Life-hacks

There once was a time, not too long ago, where my abhorrent arrogance was fueled by the steadfast certainty that I would, one day be a worldwide phenomenon. No particular field of expertise was favoured though I think I thought gobbing off in front of a camera, or warbling down a microphone would be sufficient a platform to launch me into the dizzying stratosphere of fame and adoration.
 I think from a very young age, I had not dreamed but was quite questionless about my sparkling future. I 'knew' a wonderful world of notoriety and congratulation lay ahead and I never really questioned what I might have to do to receive it.
Of course nowadays my abhorrent arrogance is fueled from a deep seated resentment in the rest of humanity for not recognizing my rightful place at the top.
It never really occurred to me that the walking deities of modern celebrity, have usually (and I am aware of the staggering number of contradictions) actually done, got good at, got really good at SOMETHING.
They may be exceptional actors or musicians or scientists or politicians, or they may well just have a massive arse and a millionaire father.
From David Attenborough to the deep-sea creatures of TOWIE they all have the canny ability to make us glaze over and spout unending arse-licking reverence. We get them to write their names on our shit, we follow them on Twitter and we'd probably let them spit in our tea.
So what sets them aside? And I mean the real ones. The Obamas, the Attenboroughs, the Hawkings, the Monroes, the Baumgartners, the Kiefer Sutherlands?. Ok not the Kiefer Sutherlands.
It's the feeling that they can just do stuff better than us.
But that got me on a very unusual train of thought. Are they good at everything? We imagine they are. They must be terrible at some stuff, otherwise they would be too powerful and the whole world would be run by Benedict Cumberbatch. I wouldn't complain.
Of course they get hacks. There are little minions that go around hacking everything for them. Little make-up and fashion elves. Word hackers that make sure what falls out of their mouth doesn't sound dumb. If you have enough money or power you can probably get somebody to make sure you don't even have to de-fly to have a piss.
It's the little bought cheats that give these people silver plated auras and make us plebs bend over and let them shaft us for every penny we have.
I have found a fun way to combat this because I know there are some things in life that can't be perfected. No matter how much skill or talent or money or unicorn dust you have, the baby Jesus has left around a good few reminders about who's boss.
Here is a few of the things in life it is IMPOSSIBLE to do well:

Running a bath to the correct temperature:
You have just had the first experimental hand dip and abruptly lost half the skin off your fingers. Logic would reason that you need to run a little cold for a while but even if you only slipped it on for a couple of seconds you will get in and immediately feel like you'd be warmer if you pissed your pants.

Cooking a frozen pizza
From raw to a blackened, unbreakable disc in the time it took you to shut and open the oven door again.

Eyeliner
Doesn't matter if you are Max Factor himself, you are still going to look like Thom Yorke.

Catching public transport
At no point in anyone's life have they ever arrived at a bus stop without either running and then flicking the driver the v's as he speeds into the distance or stood tutting and checking their phone every 10 seconds and generally staring at everyone like a crazed lunatic thinking about how mercilessly to murder the person responsible for stealing 3 minutes of your life.

Taking a well timed break at work
There is a super underground organisation tasked with sending people out to bother you at the precise point at which you need a ciggarette/brew/sandwich/toilet time.

Not pressing snooze on your alarm

Bringing the right quantity of booze to a party
You're  either going to be using a tea strainer to separate the dock ends from the last half can of Special Brew or that awkward twat the next day trying to decide whether it's au fait to ask the host if they 'don't mind you just taking half the crate back with you coz, well I'd normally leave them but you know, times are hard'

Stalking someone on Facebook mobile without getting found out
"Aharharhar, look how fucking ugly they were three years ago...oh shit, unlike, unlike"

Asking to pet somebody's dog without looking like a psychopath

So if like me, you become spontaneously overwhelmed with embitterment at the state of your current social standing, just try thinking about Katie Hopkins, sat on the bog, trying to do a nice big poo and Philip Schofield banging relentlessly on the door, pleading with her to come out and shout at a fat person.

You're welcome

Ginge xxx





Tuesday 4 November 2014

Politicks

So, it's been a while since I have tickled the alphabetic trout and although I'd like to say that's down to a calm and contented few months, it's really because I haven't really had five minutes to sit down and contemplate how simultaneously stressful and dull my life actually is, let alone forge it into a 500 word vignette of exquisite hilarity.
I have, however, garnered just about enough animosity around a broad subject, over the last year or so to erupt mildly into an incoherent set of analogies and so I will try and do that for you now.
So politics yeah? what a heap of old bollocky-wollocks yeah?
Yeah.
Well kind of...I think. Maybe, maybe not. Don't know.
It's all very confusing at the moment. I'm not sure whether politics is bad, or only some politics done by the politic people who we aren't supposed to like or whether all of them are lizard politic manphibians or we should just remember that politics doesn't exist and go down the pub or buy a new book on how not to vote for any of the politics and instead just have a big shag with each other.
I swear the whole issue used to be a lot simpler. We'd have a big look at all the ideas the different politic men said they liked doing and then we'd choose the ones we liked too and then write a big kiss next to the name of the politic party that was going to do them and put it in a box and then wait to see if everybody else liked the same ones. The worst that could really happen there was you could find out everybody else liked different ideas to you and you lost your faith in humankind and went off and lived in a hut by yourself.
But now another man has showed up and he's not a politic man and he has a thesaurus and he's saying not to put a kiss next to any of them and instead to find an "alternative to corporate hegemony" and because nobody has ever found out what that means and because he has a very Jesusy beard, he is probably the only person in the world who can tell us what to do.
Everybody else seems to be making his point, whatever that is, ten times more relevant.
David Cameron and his big posh boner party keep being meaner and meaner to everybody who hasn't got a massive house. Ed and the lads keep wearing massive big yellow and green trousers and filling them all with paint and falling off their tiny bicycles and crying every time someone asks them for a policy because they got custard pie on their copy of the Guardian and they have forgotten what people want them to say.
 Ukip decided not to go dressed as the Gestapo for Halloween and instead just went as a lightly blacked up Golliwog and so everyone thought they were a jolly good laugh but they actually have just put the Gestapo costumes in the cupboard ready for next year.
The Greens haven't said anything because nobody has let them have a go and there is no point in mentioning the Liberal Democrats because they have done the most amount of damage to the left of politics since the rise of communism.
I guess what I am trying to explain but making a big dog shit soup of, is the current disillusion with mainstream politics and the arrival of an apparent seismic division of popular policy caused by an array of social factors so dazzlingly complicated Russel Brand's thesaurus wouldn't have the words to describe it.
Those with right leanings are going more and more right and saying everyone who is poor or foreign is a bellend and those with left leanings are going more and more left and saying everything everybody is doing is wrong and stupid and, no of course I haven't thought of an alternative, I don't have to, I just have to say you're wrong and everybody just keeps shouting at each other and saying "YOUR IDEAS ARE RUBBISH EVERYTHING'S YOUR FAULT". And poor old Ed doesn't know which side to pander to so he's picking the worst ideas off everybody.
It's a bloody big mess and this is where The Messiah steps in and tell us what to do with his new book and everyone suddenly goes "WOW, SHAG-NASTY!" and then it becomes trendy to slag him off and then EVEN TRENDIER to post a link to somebody else saying people who slag him off are so last week and just don't 'get' him because they simply aren't cool or brainy enough and the cycle continues to the point where hipsters just explode because they found out about the new Cereal Cafe but they just don't know whether to read Revolution or a peice by Polly Toynbee over their fucking Fruit Loops.
I think really everybody just needs to calm down and have a little think, politic manphibeans and laymen alike and just sit down and go: "Right really, when you think about what's fair and reasonable and works out in the long run for most people for the best, what should we think about doing?" and stop trying to blame everybody else and maybe just try and apply a bit of their political ideology to everyday things and just see if it's a bit silly or over reactive.
Like say a driving test. Right wing driving tests would be almost impossible to pass and cost £4 billion pounds to take and foreign people wouldn't be allowed to take them and then left wing driving tests would be really lovely and everybody would pass them and be made to feel really special and get a lolly and then ram immediately into a wall upon exiting the test centre and then Russel Brand would just say "Fuck the tests!, we don't need tests, car crashes only happen because the government have secret technology to control the population"
It's an incomprehensible maze this politics debacle and it may feel overwhelming, or even rousing when there are cleverly worded and presented arguments flying around like brightly coloured turds, whizzing past your head and in your paper and on your Facebook and youtube and via the signals from your tin foil hats but please, just slow down, have a little think and a talk, without the aid of mind altering drugs or alcohol and preferably with people of opposing views and just try and come to some reasonable conclusion.
And for fuck sake, when you do, please don't turn it into a symbolic coloured poppy you can wear out in Shoreditch, with your fucking Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles t-shirt.

Much love
Ginge xx