Ey up!
How is everyone feeling tonight? great.Well I'm still feeling like a high street dog turd. Cold,dried up,scuffed and rightly avoided. Anyone who knows me, in fact probably anyone who's ever met me will know,this is no uncommon event,especially at this time of year,when I make a very special pilgrimage, the pilgrimage To Leeds Festival,that I have been making every year for the best part of a decade.
Its not always looked upon warmly,especially in 'trendy' circles,where the sheer fact that there are bands playing there that people have actually heard of is enough to dub you a commercially gluttonous music dumdum. Most of my friends question me yearly on why I would want to go and sit in a wet,muddy,noisy field full of pilled up morons,eating e-coli burgers,paying £4.50 for a pint and enduring most of the five days I'm there feeling like I'm going to die, struggling to breath in a pit full of equally unwashed teenagers sniffing poppers and spreading chlamydia.
Around about 30 percent of the time I'm there I ask myself the same questions,stepping over bags of human shit on the way to relieve myself in a trench. Is all this depravity worth it? It certainly doesn't feel so right now,when I'm trying not to vomit up last nights Eau De Vie so that I give myself enough time for the Nurofen to be absorbed.When I'm walking past a tent with the words "slags camp here" and a 15 year old in a courteeners T-shirt asks me if I'll 'sit on his cock'. When at 1.30 am I'm walking round an entire festival trying to find some entertainment that doesn't involve dancing to dubstep and cringing every time a cup of piss hits you in the eye.When you drive for two hours, get there and realise you forgot your ticket and miss half of the first day because you have another 4 hours driving to go and get it (genuinely happened). When you spend the last 24 hours of your weekend trying to save face by not going to the Samaritans tent because you took a particularly nasty pill and having been having panic attacks every 5 minutes and have convinced yourself you are going to die ("Leah Betts only had one,she died,what do you mean you wernt even born when the Leah Betts story came out, that was 1994? Jesus, I really am getting too old for this!").With all of this in mind, I'm not surprised you think I'm a dick, that you sit there in your nice warm houses watching Grand Designs or whatever it is people my age are supposed to be doing,looking smug and feeling glad your 'just not into festivals', it sounds horrible and alot of it is,but I wouldn't keep putting myself through it every year if the highs didn't outweigh the lows and if you like live music and you like being with your friends and you like making seafood puns and laughing at how much more hardcore you were 5 years ago, then why the frippery arnt you going too?
I knew I was gonna have to have to bore you all to death by writing a blog about my weekend, but I have no idea how to format it in an interesting and coherent way, as I'm just brimming with all the hilarious/ridiculous/stupid/brilliant/touching/awful anecdotes that will always arise from such a festival. I'd love to share with you, for example, how I laughed continuously for half an hour, to the point where I felt like I had Chrohns, when my friend Tom was so pissed on a ride that he jumped off before it had stopped and fell over in such a way that he was dubbed prawn foot for the rest of the weekend and inspired hours of prawn related puns.Which I laughed more at and have probably developed a six pack in the process, but I'm totally aware that it isn't funny to you, that you probably don't care and you almost certainly by now are thinking of new and exciting ways to hurt me for being such an obvious bore.
I'd love to tell you about Charlotte's dance bubble, in which she was so unaware of her brilliantly eccentric bodily movements that she didn't realise she had around 50 Strokes fans, completely ignoring 'Last Night' and deciding to join in and copy her in an aerobics style workout,scaring the shit out of her when the song finished and she turned round to see scores of strangers clapping and shouting her name. But this is also incredibly tedious to you and basically the dictionary definition of 'you had to be there'.
You don't know these people.why would you want to know?
Whoops, I sort of just did though didn't I? fuck it. I needed to tell someone otherwise the memories might fade and I'll forget the very reason I bother to smile for 5 days a year.
I guess I'll just do some bullet points now, of bands I went to see, followed by brief reviews of their performances.Brilliant.Inspired.
If you are offended by 'Indie' look away now...or dare yourself to challenge stereotypes and give some of them a listen? yeah probs not eh.
. Bombay Bicycle Club
I have loved this band for a few years now and was particularly excited to see them, however in true Leeds style, when I arrived at the tent to get my folk mosh on I was unable to get anywhere near, due to my least favorite festival goer; the 'Disinterested,notch up as many performances as possible, particularly if NME says they're good,so that if anyone asks I can say Ive seen them,stupid hat wearing,trendies' were blocking my way.
I could have cried, or at least set everyone on fire or something, however I stayed outside and watched from the screen.
It was, as expected pretty fucking tight and Jack Steadman's haunting vocals sounded just as good on a big stage, even though throughout the catalogue of melancholic,angst odes, he looked like he was going to explode with happiness.
They genuinely looked overwhelmed at the turn out and that made it feel quite special, I felt like I was at the gig on the brink of a band I fully think deserve, hitting the bigtime. I just really hope they don't lose their edge.Although Im listening to the new album now and it certainly doesn't sound like it.
.Friendly Fires
Undoubtedly one of my favorite bands of all time. Look at me with disdain all you will, their albums are pop at its finest and live they will always challenge the most die hard 'cool dude' not to dance and throw your hands in the air like an absolute dickbrain.
I was a little nervous, that being on the main stage might quash the atmosphere a little, especially combined with the driving rain and the fact that for once in 7 years I managed to get to the front.
Thankfully, this was absolutely not the case.
Pretty much all of my festival companions dubbed this their favorite performance of the weekend. The musical abilities were of course, not up to the likes of Pulp and Muse, but the enthusiasm,the stage presence and of course the mesmerising gyrations of Ed Macfarlane, combined with the perfect jiving pop anthems were enough to make me lose my voice completely and Charlotte to cry her eyes out.
Everyone was dancing.Everyone was singing and eventually the sun shone, just as 'Paris' was blurted out.I love squealing like a fangirl.As brilliant as ever.
.Muse
I have never really been into muse in a big way,but I will always remember my first Leeds,being dragged in torrential rain by my 'mosher' mates to see a 'mosher' band I was convinced I despised and being totally blown away.
They have gained a reputation for being the greatest live band in the world and it is certainly justified. This year De Ja Vu hit, as the rain and cold threatened once again to turn my frown upside down but around about 5 minutes in I remembered just why they blew me away all those years previously.
Its quite difficult to understand how Matt Bellamy manages to sound so pitch perfect,how listening to a song, you are so bored of hearing on the jukebox every day played so fucking spectacularly and with breathtaking vocals that you actually forget how much you hate it.They work hard and it shows.
Plus there were massive 30ft flames, lasers,robots,inflatable eyeballs and fireworks.Easily pleased.
.White Denim
Definitely the shocker of the weekend.I spose I only really went to see them because I like that one song (Lets Talk About It),they were on before Tom Vek, in an empty tent as a welcome shelter from the wetaher,but by golly I'm glad I did.
The compere welcomed them to the stage with "put your hands together for the best live band in the world" which aside from making me want to punch him and then throw up,sounded like the worlds biggest overstatement since The Sun announced "Jade Goody, a Star Is Gone" (I have no idea whether they said that, but they probably did, after hounding her for years,calling her a fat racist).
Although, calling them the greatest live band in the world,certainly was far off the mark, I mean unless this guys seen all the bands in the world, then he has no educated opinion in which to propose such an idea
Sorry for the gap, just had to go and put their new album on.Its brilliant by the way.listen to it.
Yeah so anyway, I stood absolutely mesmerised throughout the whole gig,by the strange offbeat noises ( I think they are like a combination of everything everything,Thin Lizzy and Devendra Banhart)It was played seamlessly and I think Ive run out of descriptive text as I was lulled into a blues/funk/prog coma,I was basically drooling and making mermering noises, so all I will say is definitely listen to them and for god sake go and see them if they play near you.
.Tom Vek
GOD I'VE WAITED SO FUCKING LONG TO SEE THIS MAN PLAY LIVE.
As with anyone you have devoted hours of your life listening to, but have failed to get to see, there is always the nervousness that your hero may turn out to be a big auto tuned waxwork phallus.They may have spent years being a recluse because they are essentially the alt version of the sexy woman from Black Box, that actualy turned out to be a massively talented but fat hideo-bag in real life and was replaced in all the videos by a tone deaf model type that could barely even tell you her name without dribbling.
THIS.WAS.NOT.THE.CASE
Tom swooped on stage sporting a Bryll creamed side parting and tweed jacket and burst into one of my favorite songs from the new album 'Someone Loves You'.It was going great. It kept getting greater.
By the end of the gig I was boogieing to the brilliant 'You Look Aroused' and singing and staring fixedly at the ferociously sexual stage presence of Vek.
The man who's eagerly awaited 6 year return to music was heralded by brilliantly orchestrated live synth, some mean bass and a particularly impressive lead guitar from Tom himself. I left feeling smug to be honest, that I had such foresight into musical matters, that so far all my choices had proved excellently entertaining, this of course was to change.....
.The Strokes
OH DEAR
I mean, I wont slag them for playing badly or anything, they sounded quite tight and for once Julian seemed to have layed off the smack long enough to muster some form of audibility, but the level of disappointing damp squibness is only comparable to the once and only time Ive ever seen The Arctic Monkeys.
"Hy I'm Julian Casablancas/Alex Turner, I am the lead singer in a very famous band, I wear sunglasses at night time an I don't have to try because everything I do is cool as fuck"
WRONG
To be honest it was a bit like going to watch one of the bands in Lancaster,Morecambe and I'm sure beyond, that have haircuts and jangly guitars and know somebody else in a sort of famous band and do cocaine and think that music is about being ironic and twee and staring woefully into nowhere, whilst secretly laughing to themselves about just how important they are.
To think, at Reading, The Strokes had to follow PULP.Awkward.
. Digitalism
Thumping bass lines,live synth,Jens' absolutely carnal face (fangirl)much dancing,brilliant as ever.Shame about the 15 year olds on mKat trying to start a mosh pit.
.Metronomy
Dont think that because my review of this band is succinct,it means they were unremarkable, they weren't, its just that they are so consistent and have never played a bad gig and Ive seen them loads, that Im sure youve heard me review them before anyway.Nice to see a bigger crowd this time.Think I fancy Oscar Cash (fangirl) (hormonal twat)
.Death From Above 1979
Another one on the bill I have waited years to see and due to the fact they split up in 2006 I didnt think I ever would.
I'd seen live footage of this thrash festival duo before and have always been amazed at what a sound they can make with just the two of them.
On the videos Jesse Keeler's bass skills are fairly unrivalled and I was pretty excited to do my special DFA dance (ask the Bowerham lads)but was unable to enjoy any of this due to the fucking awful sound system.
This festival has so much money poured into it I didnt think it was possible to fuck a set up, due to sound,but I could barely hear a thing other than a series of bangs and screams and I think I've enough confidence in them that it wasn't their fault.
least I hope not, otherwise that 2006 split should well have been left splut.?.
.Madness
Anyone who says they don't like Madness is either lying or a miserable narcasistic twat.
I was really hoping the sun would be out and I'd be well into my fourth pint, so that I could enjoy dancing at the back trying to immitate the Baggy Trousers video whilst 30 thousand other people did the same.
Unfortunately it was cold,wet and I was suffering post traumatic stress from a rather juvenile late night substance decision.
Instead of feeling the warmth of a massive crowd of people enjoying it with me, exchanging nods and swinging arm in arm whilst wishing eachother a good festival, I was having to stop every five minutes to breath into my sleeve and reassurring myself that I wasnt about to say goodbye.
Even with this self enduced tradegy on my shoulders I still managed to sing along to all the classics and Suggs's hilareous on stage blathering (at one point he declared he shouldnt have had that Nurofen and then used a towel to pretend he was a ghost(I think) )was as surely uplifting as it was always going to be.
They really are a great band,even with advanced years against them,vocals,sax et al was truely up to scratch.It must be love,love love.
.PULP
Saved the best till last.The very best.
I have no quarms with saying that was the best gig Ive ever been to.Jarvis is not only a brilliant storyteller and poet,but an unexpectedly lively and crowd pleasing front man.
He was relaxed and jovial and as perfectly Northern as we all love him to be.
I was suprised at how much of a dirty bastard he is though,getting down on the floor and simulating sex,whilst telling us all about how to wank in a tent.
I was drawn between invisaging him as my creepy uncle and that dweeby boy from school I always thought might be a bit of a goer.
Ive liked PULP since I was a kid, but I wont pretend I know all the songs, theres probably about 6 I could sing along to.
Singing along to those 6, was brilliant and classically unifying (especially Sorted out For E's And Wizz, which anyone who comes into the Friary, will know I play on a daily basis and to the point where I did my first overwhelmed gig cry, whilst jumping up and down with my best mate (gay))but throughout the more melancholic tracks I was absolutely transfixed, not one moment of attention was diverted from the stage.
The visuals were beautiful and fitting and I almost felt like I had time-travelled to 1995. I half expected to look down and see an ellese jumper and some Reebok classics.
This was truly one of those moments where I felt a little part of history, even more so when Richard Hawley was welcomed on to the stage to play guitar for the rest of the set.
It ended with a joyous cavalcade of bouncing bodies,screaming out the lyrics of the perfect pop 'Common People' and after a ten minute walk of agonizing exhaustion I returned to 'the palace' to end the weekend with more shellfish humour,whilst grinning to myself inanely at the fact I had just got to see 'one of those bands'.
I almost wish I'd been to see more shit ones and then this may have been more acerbicly entertaining for you,but thankfully for me and unfortunately for you, I couldn't get into the tent for The Vaccines and if I'd come within audible distance of Beady Eye I'd have beaten some poor kid to death with my welly and spent the rest of my life incarcerated,rocking back and forth, the the unending horror of mancunian tinitus ringing in my ears and screaming "STOP,MAKE IT STOP"
For now I certainly feel very old indeed and although parts of the weekend made me questions wether it should be my last and that it was time to get a proper job and fucking dog or something, even if I am a teacher by this time next year, I can always camp in green :)
xx
