Watcha!
Ive been away a long time haven't I?
yeah yeah been busy etc...
WRONG
Unless busy, is of course wasting your spare time drinking cheap cider,taking low quality class A's whenever ANYBODY offers them to you,pondering the festering refuse of your life and getting off with chavs (not the last bit)(alright yeah maybe I did..WHO ARE YOU MY PARENTS?)
As you can see, I have been regressing somewhat recently, to that oh so familiar yet dread inducing festival of shame, known as adolescence.
I dunno why...
ALRIGHT I DO, JUST SHUT UP YEAH GOD!!
Real life, I mean real grown up, got to wear a suit and be nice to the elderly life, is rubbish. Why the hell does anybody bother?
"Make sure you pay all your bills"
fuck off
"You used to have such lovely legs"
nice one, you didn't.
"when are you going to find a boyfriend?"
when your dead,so I can bring him round and he wont have to meet you...
and my least favorite....
"When are you going to get a real job?"
DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU MASSIVE ARSECANDLE!!!!!
Being in your (god, I am actually saying this) mid-twenties,for me at least and I suspect most others is such a destitute landslide of monotony,such a dark,chest stabbing anti-climax such a MASSIVE neon revulsion of human rights I feel like I should be in a cell somewhere in China, wondering who's going to collect my Nobel prize for me.
its just not fair.Nobody said it was going to be like this.
When I was a child these were the three things I wanted to be when I grew up
Archaeologist:
I'd seen Jurassic Park, I wanted in on the action.
Astronomer:
The stars, no more beautiful a landscape could you spend your life gazing at
Actor:
it only took me 22 years to realise its for gays.
These are the three things I want to be now:
you see that?
A massive blank space.
Nothing.
You know why? because every last dribble of aspiration and positive thought, every little spark of ambition,hope and destination has been torched away by the baron,arid reality of 'making do'
Who's idea was growing up?
probably a Tory.
So whaderya do when you've all but given up,when you can barely be arsed to do the things you enjoy? (excuse for not keeping the blog up)
well you look for inspiration obvs!!
Trouble is, as Ive been looking around, reading various books,watching programmes looking for characters to assimilate with the only one that's struck a chord,sadly Is Dan Clarke's quietly brilliant Don Danbury, from How Not To Live Your Life
A twenty something no-hoper, who's terrible with the opposite sex,has despised and been sacked from nearly every job he's had,relies on people to do nearly everything for him,cant pay bills,cant cook,clean or organize anything and spends most of his life,wondering where it all went wrong,why ninety percent of his life is spent in a pink dressing gown and constantly lusts over people he will never get.
This to me is so horrifyingly recognizable I feel a little bit sick.Its certainly scuppered my chances of writing a quirky sitcom about my failed life.
I think, Dan, if your reading this, which you wont be,because I am a nobody who has done literally nothing with her life,but if, just if... I place my future in your hands.
Its only fair, that in the next and final episode Don,has a mind altering supernova of clarity and finds out exactly what it is he wants to do and through a series of easy to follow steps he achieves a career of both wealth and satisfaction. Oh and gets that girl hes always secretly loved,because lets face it,although his teeth are a bit squint and hes not the brightest tool in the box,hes always deserved her over that pompous fool.
Ahem *looks around*
So erm yeah, aside from regressing and living my life out through characters,scarily of the opposite sex,on the television....I'd say I'm doing alright??
Oh god
I'm going to have to be a teacher arnt I?
somebody call Dignitas.
xxx
